Are You Sexually Addicted?
If you answer YES to at least seven of these questions, you might consider exploring this area of recovery.
Being Christians we merely have to ask God what His standards are for our sexuality. We cannot trust our sin nature to provide us an answer that will lead us into truth and righteousness.
So as we struggled to define "sexual sobriety", we learned that if we were to set our definition at the internal level, we would hand out sobriety chips for thirty seconds, rather than thirty days. This task would be overwhelming. We were also aware that we could not be our brothers' judges, "for who may judge the heart of man but God?" Therefore, we leave the individual to work out for themselves, their own inner sobriety and we turn to the Scriptures for guidance on our definitions of external sobriety.
As Christians, most of the standards for our sexual behaviors are very specific in the Bible. Scriptures teach us that sex between persons outside of marriage is not God's will. However, the Scriptures are notably silent regarding masturbation (sex with self). Although God does not call sex with self sin, it is evident that this act is accompanied by lustful thoughts and fantasies, which are not God's will. Mat. 5:27 - 28 explains that if you even look at a woman lustfully, you have already committed adultery in your heart. In addition, 1 Cor. 12 reads, "I can do anything I want to if Christ has not said no, but some of these things aren't good for me. Even if I am allowed to do them, I'll refuse to, if I think they might get such a grip on me that I can't easily stop when I want to." (LB) Therefore, sex with self is not soberness if we are truly seeking both external and internal sobriety.
So our definition of sobriety is simple, but not always easy:
For the unmarried Christian, sexual sobriety means, having no form of sex with self or anyone else.
For the married Christian, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with anyone other than his spouse. (The married Christian may even need to consider a "season" of abstinence from sex with his spouse, especially early in the recovery process.)
And for everyone, married or unmarried, sexual sobriety means seeking and achieving progressive inner sobriety.
If you answer YES to at least seven of these questions, you might consider exploring this area of recovery.
- Do you go from one relationship to another?
- Do you feel the right relationship would fulfill all your needs?
- Do you use sex as an escape?
- Do you make excuses to leave your partner as soon as possible after the act?
- After a sexual experience do you feel guilty?
- Has your pursuit of sex interfered with your relationship with your spouse?
- Do you find you are unable to resist a sexual overture?
- Have you ever sought out help to change your sexual behavior or thinking? Have you ever wanted to?
- Have you ever tried to limit or stop acting out, but have been unable to?
- Do you put yourself, or others, in dangerous situations in pursuit of sex?
- Have you found that you are unable to resist sex or sexual images?
- Do you have trouble concentrating, or completing tasks at work, always thinking about sex?
- Do you spend time on the internet viewing pornographic Web sites?
- Do you take time away from work to pursue sexual activities?
- Do you feel you have lost control of your actions to fulfill the need for sex?
- Have you ever been arrested for a sexual offense?
Being Christians we merely have to ask God what His standards are for our sexuality. We cannot trust our sin nature to provide us an answer that will lead us into truth and righteousness.
So as we struggled to define "sexual sobriety", we learned that if we were to set our definition at the internal level, we would hand out sobriety chips for thirty seconds, rather than thirty days. This task would be overwhelming. We were also aware that we could not be our brothers' judges, "for who may judge the heart of man but God?" Therefore, we leave the individual to work out for themselves, their own inner sobriety and we turn to the Scriptures for guidance on our definitions of external sobriety.
As Christians, most of the standards for our sexual behaviors are very specific in the Bible. Scriptures teach us that sex between persons outside of marriage is not God's will. However, the Scriptures are notably silent regarding masturbation (sex with self). Although God does not call sex with self sin, it is evident that this act is accompanied by lustful thoughts and fantasies, which are not God's will. Mat. 5:27 - 28 explains that if you even look at a woman lustfully, you have already committed adultery in your heart. In addition, 1 Cor. 12 reads, "I can do anything I want to if Christ has not said no, but some of these things aren't good for me. Even if I am allowed to do them, I'll refuse to, if I think they might get such a grip on me that I can't easily stop when I want to." (LB) Therefore, sex with self is not soberness if we are truly seeking both external and internal sobriety.
So our definition of sobriety is simple, but not always easy:
For the unmarried Christian, sexual sobriety means, having no form of sex with self or anyone else.
For the married Christian, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with anyone other than his spouse. (The married Christian may even need to consider a "season" of abstinence from sex with his spouse, especially early in the recovery process.)
And for everyone, married or unmarried, sexual sobriety means seeking and achieving progressive inner sobriety.
Overcoming Lust and Temptation
A new loneliness overwhelmed us as we realized that we had become increasingly separated
from God and our loved ones. We began to seek sobriety, and as we stayed sexually sober for some length of time, we discovered that even though we may not be acting out our compulsion, our obsession was still with us.
We began to recognize the many disguises the Enemy uses to trick us into lusting. We learned not to rely on our failed and weakened selves, but rather, to turn to God's pure love and absolute power. With increased reliance on God, we worked on recovery with altered attitudes and growing humility, and we gained progressive victory over lust.
As we yielded to God, temptation began to lose its control over us. When we admitted we were powerless and gave our lives and our will over to God, He worked in us, and we began to enjoy a new balance in our lives. Leaning on and learning from others in the program, we continue to walk in His strength, gaining true freedom from lust and sin through obedience to Christ our Lord.
The Solution
A new loneliness overwhelmed us as we realized that we had become increasingly separated
from God and our loved ones. We began to seek sobriety, and as we stayed sexually sober for some length of time, we discovered that even though we may not be acting out our compulsion, our obsession was still with us.
We began to recognize the many disguises the Enemy uses to trick us into lusting. We learned not to rely on our failed and weakened selves, but rather, to turn to God's pure love and absolute power. With increased reliance on God, we worked on recovery with altered attitudes and growing humility, and we gained progressive victory over lust.
As we yielded to God, temptation began to lose its control over us. When we admitted we were powerless and gave our lives and our will over to God, He worked in us, and we began to enjoy a new balance in our lives. Leaning on and learning from others in the program, we continue to walk in His strength, gaining true freedom from lust and sin through obedience to Christ our Lord.
The Solution
- Commit your will and your life to your higher power, Jesus Christ
- Obtain a sponsor or accountability partner
- Develop an accountability team
- Don't isolate, keep in regular contact with these men
- Be honest with God, yourself and your team
- Commit to a men's sexual addiction (SA) 12 - step meeting
- Work the Recovery workbooks
- Commit to a daily quiet time in the Life Recovery Bible or Celebrate Recovery Bible
- Read recommended SA materials such as the Sexaholics Anonymous: White Book
- Replace old behaviors with healthy ones
- Identify and avoid triggers - go to any length
- Avoid cross over addictions - over eating, compulsive spending, gambling, alcohol and drugs
- Commit to sexual sobriety, one day at a time
- Acknowledge and admit your addictive sexual behaviors
- Be willing to experience pain, grief, forgiveness, and acceptance
- Accept God's standards for your sexuality
- Allow God access to your mind; your thought life
- Change your belief system